


Lost Boy

by rosetintmyworld



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adopted Finn, Adopted Rey, Adopted Siblings, Aftermath, Child Abduction, Dubious Consent, F/M, Gen, Hallucinations, Kidnapping, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:13:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9887156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosetintmyworld/pseuds/rosetintmyworld
Summary: Ben Organa Solo was taken from his home at the age of twelve. Five years later he is returned home with no explanation of how he escaped or where he's been.





	1. HomeComing

****

I stared down at my feet, my black sneakers dragging against the linoleum floor. They were caked in dirt and had various patched holes.

He would be so disappointed to see me in public like this.

“What's your name son?” The officer asked for what must have been the twentieth time and I just continued to look down at my feet. 

He told me never to tell anyone anything.

“Sergeant, you've gotta see this.” A man said, barging into the room, breathing hard. I looked up despite myself to watch them leave the room. I felt fear run down my back in what was an automatic response.

I should have been punished for my inability to control myself. I would have been if I were home. 

“Ben solo.” The Sergeant said as he walked in and I flinched away from that name. I hadn't heard that name spoken in five years. 

“That's not my name.” I whispered, my voice cracking.

“Your name is Ben Solo. You're Senator Organa’s son. They've been looking for you for a long time” He said slowly, as if talking to a spooked horse and the guy who barged in earlier walked into the room behind him, a phone to his ear.

“I've got the Senator on the phone” he said, his voice excited as if this were his first big case and I shook my head. I wasn't Ben Solo. Ben Solo was dead, he died five years ago in the back of a van. 

“The Senator will be here in a couple of minutes.” the officer said before gathering his Sergeant and leaving me in the room. I got up and yanked on the door, trying to get out. I had to get out of here before the Senator showed up. I yanked on the door before pulling at my raven hair, they had locked me in.

He always locked me in rooms and tasked me to get out. i could do this. I just had to think and keep the walls from caving in on me before they got back. 

I we walked along the walls, trying to find a weak spot, an out. i had to get out. I pushed at the walls before getting to the window. I knew it wasn't a mirror, I wasn't stupid. I'd seen the TV shows before. I knew that they could see in. 

He used to use a window like this. I let my fingers feel around the sills of the window before finding a chip. I punched it until the chip turned into a crack.

“Hey! Hey!” The door opened and a towel was wrapped around my now bleeding hand. 

“Ben. Oh my god, Ben.” I looked up to see the Senator standing at the door.

“Mom?” I whimpered, my resolve weakening. I could feel his disgust sinking low in my stomach. I could hear his voice in my head, telling me I was weak.

She was shorter than me now, and her hair was starting to be more gray than brown. 

“Oh Ben, look what you've done to your hand. Let's get that fixed up so we can get you home.” She said, coddling my hand.

 

I was released into my mother's custody and she brought me back to her home. It was the same house we lived in when I was a child.

The same piece of junk car sat in the driveway that my dad swore up and down he'd restore. He'd been promising Mom that he'd fix it for me.

The living room was mostly the same, with little trinkets here and there that I didn't recognize.

“Mom!” My  eyes snapped up to I saw a young girl standing on the staircase, a camera flashing in her hand.

I turned on my mother.

“Why did she call you that?”I asked and the girl's eyes widened.

“You're Ben. I never thought I'd meet you. I'm Rey.” She said and my brow furrowed.

“Go to your room dear, I'll be up in a minute.” She said and the girl scampered upstairs, cradling the camera to her chest.

“How about we get you a bath, and then we'll talk? I'll make you some hot cocoa, huh?” She asked sweetly, disarmingly.

“OK.” I whispered before letting her lead me upstairs.

My pictures covered the stairwell walls, they were all before He took me.

I made my way to my old bedroom. It was practically the same.

The same little league participation awards, academic plaques and movie posters. The same dusty blue blanket and the same stuffed tiger in the corner.

It was all the same.

I opened my drawers, wondering if I could fit any of my old clothing. I know i couldn't, but I wanted to desperately be the same boy.

I gave up and decided to just take a shower. The Senator would bring me clothes.

I walked into the bathroom to see the evidence of others presence. When I lived here, it was only me who used this bathroom. But now, It was covered in other people's things. A bra was hanging from the shower head and beauty supplies covered a third of the counter. Another third was covered with men's products and another third was eerily clean. I opened the curtain and turned on the water before pulling off my shirt. My back still felt raw from my last punishment. The door opened and I turned quickly to see the girl called Rey standing at the door.

“Oh- I brought up i some towels and some clothes. Mom says come down when you’re finished.” She said, covering her eyes with one hand and handing me the towel with the other. I quickly snatched it away and snarled at her. 

“Get out.” I hissed and she closed the door quickly. 

I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding before pulling down my pants and getting into the shower. 

I let the water spray over my head in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wasn’t even sure of the last time I’d had a real warm shower. 

I finally stepped out when the water had began to run cold and grabbed the towel before wiping it over my gangly body. 

I pulled the sweatpants that I was sure were my Dad’s up my legs before pulling on the t-shirt. 

It was from my Dad’s salvage yard. 

I wonder where he was. 

I made my way downstairs to see the girl called Rey and the Senator sitting on the couch, mugs in hand. 

“Ben, sit down.” The Senator said and I sat across from her in an old overstuffed armchair. 

The girl called Rey sat a mug in front of me and I tucked my knees under my chin.

“My goodness, you’ve grown. You’re almost as tall as your father.” She said and I looked down at my bare feet. 

The room fell into silence and she started again. 

“When you were at the station, did they check you out?” She asked and I shrugged, pulling at the fuzzies of the sweatpants. 

“Ben honey, did you see a doctor? Did they check you for injuries?” She asked and I shook my head, looking down at the poorly wrapped cloth around my left hand, 

The Senator had checked for broken bones and had found none, just a nasty nick.

“Of course those incompetent fools didn't. Ben, I would appreciate it if you'd let me take you to the hospital.” She said and I shook my head.

“No. No doctors.” I gritted out and she sighed, clasping her hands together in what seemed to be a very diplomatic move.

“I understand why you feel that way, but it would reassure me if someone checked you out, made sure you were alright.” she said and I shook my head. i vaguely remembered how stubborn she could be, but I could be more stubborn.

“i'm alright. No doctors.” I repeated and The girl called Rey pulled at the Senator's hands until they released their tight grip.. She leaned her head on the Senator’s shoulder and whispered into her ear.

“Alright. Ben i respect your choice, but I insist that I look you over. Just to make sure you are truly alright.” She said and I relented, weakness sliding down my back.

He would be disgusted with my behavior.

“Let's go to my study.” She said leading me back upstairs. The girl called Rey tried to follow but was disarmed with a glance.

 

I sat on her desk and she walked around it, pulling out gloves and gauze.

*Who is the girl?” I whispered and she closed a drawer.

“That's Rey. Your father and I adopted her last year.” She said and I raised my eyebrow.

“How old is she?” I asked.

“Shirt off.”” She said and I lifted the shirt quickly, startling her.

“13.” She said and I felt anger jolt through me.

“She was twelve when you got her? That's how old I was when- were you trying to replace me?” I asked and she stepped back.

“No. Never, Ben. I could never replace you.” She placated before running her hands down the scars on my back.

“Your father and I were lonely, yes. But we'd never replace you. We found her while I was campaigning. Shed had it rough and her and Finn-” she began taking as I winced at a particularly fresh wound.

“Who's Finn?” I began when the door opened And I was on the floor behind the desk. Before I could blink.

“Mom, Poe’s here for din- Mom who is that?” The dark skinned boy asked, dragging a Latino boy behind him.

“Ben?” Poe said and I stood up slowly.

I remembered him from before. We had been friends. 

Practically inseparable.

“Wait, this is The Ben?” Finn asked and the Senator cleared her throat.

“Can you please give us some privacy Finn? I'll catch you up for dinner. Your father's doing an airshow so he doesn't know yet. Maybe you could call him and call out for some dinner? Poe can go to your room, just keep the door open.” She directed and Finn nodded before being dragged out of the door by Poe.

She wrapped the bandages around my ribs before sighing.

“I really wish you'd let me take you to the doctor. I've done all I can for the wounds.” She said before  leaning her head on my back.

“What did they do to you.” She whispered under her breath tearily and I just hung my head.

 

There was a knock in the door and I sat up a little straighter in my chair. The girl called Rey was sitting on the couch next to me, the camera from earlier in her hands as she fiddled the with lens.

“Who is it?” She yelled loudly before getting off of the couch.

“It's probably delivery.” She said to herself and I watched the door suspiciously.

It could be Him. He could be here to take me back.

“Just delivery.” She muttered to herself and I raised an eyebrow.

Who was she so afraid of?

“It's daddy hon. Open the door.” I heard Han's voice say and she threw open the door, and threw herself into his arms.

“Where is your key mister?” She chastised him and he grinned at her. I turned my head to look at my feet.

“Lost it.”

“Daddy! That's the third one this month. Mom's gonna murder you.” She said.

“If I'm lucky. Ben?” I looked up and he was doing that lopsided grin at me.

I froze as my stomach dropped.

Seeing the Senator was one thing, but seeing him, the man that sired me. I was not prepared.

“Ben, you're really home.” He said and I stood up as he approached me before disappearing upstairs quickly before he could embrace me.

 

I didn't come back down for dinner.


	2. I'm not scared

_ “Kylo, remember your objective. Remember what I made you. Kylo!” _

I opened my eyes quickly, my chest heaving.

My face was covered with sweat and my blankets were strewn around my bed.

He was still there, Always in my head. 

I kicked the last bits of sheets off of me and pulled my legs to my knees before their was a soft knock on my door.

“Ben?” The girl called Rey asked in a small voice and I sucked in a breath stupidly.

It wasn't as if she heard me breathing.

“Hey, it's Rey. I brought you a sandwich. It's peanut butter, mom won't let me work the appliances after eight.” She said pushing open the door.

She was carrying a tray with two peanut butter sandwiches and two glasses of milk. Her hair was in a low knot, wisps flying everywhere.

“Mom tried to bring you some dinner earlier, but you were sleeping.” She said climbing onto my bed without spilling the contents of the tray.

She sidled up beside me and I closed my eyes. I breathed through my nose to temper the pain running through me.

I could feel her eyes on me, and I looked over at her. She just shook her head and went back to eating her sandwich. I finally picked it up and took a bite.

“Our parents are excited you are back.” She whispered and I shrugged.

“Are you scared?” She asked and I nodded,picking at the food.

“Don't be. We'll protect you. We're a family now.” She said and I looked at her. Someone must have told her that before.

I wasn't so sure of that fact.

When I was with Him, we were something like a family, and he never protected me. He was the one who hurt me.

I felt tiny fingers on my face and I looked up at her.  

“You're crying.” The girl called Rey whispered, wiping at the shameful tears on my face and I shook her off of me.

“It'll be okay Ben. I promise.” She said before hugging me. I let my gangly arms wrap around her thin frame.

I hadn't seen a girl, let alone touched one in 5 years.

This was all too weird.

“I'm going to sneak this to the kitchen.” She said before getting up and pulling a cookie from her pocket.

“Sweet dreams.” She whispered before picking up the tray and scrambling out of the room, leaving me holding a cookie, astonished.

 

I awoke briskly the next morning, my breath caught in my throat. I'd dreamt last night, but it all was floating away before I could really put it into memory. The only thing left was the confusion about where I was.

Although one look around changed that.

I was with the Senator and the man who sired me in my childhood home. 

I got out of bed, the sheets were still airplane printed, before pulling the blankets back to the top out of habit. He hated untidiness. I had to be clean in all I did. I opened the door and looked down at my feet.

My soles were blackened.

I opened the bathroom door to see the girl called Rey clutching a towel to her chest.

“It's occupied!” She yelled and I closed the door quickly, my heart beating in my chest. Well that was definitely unforeseen.

I waited quietly outside of the bathroom, unsure of what to do. I didn't know how this worked here. Before, it was just the three of us, I didn't have to share, then with Him I had no privacy. Now, well, this was unfamiliar territory.

The called Rey opened the door and waved me in.

“All yours.” She said and I stepped in, letting her past.

I stood in the middle of the bathroom, suddenly aware that I didn't have any change of clothes. I decided to rinse my feet off and go downstairs, the Senator would solve this.

I went downstairs, my wet feet sloshing through the carpet to find everyone in the kitchen.

I sat down in the last unoccupied chair and put my feet up.

“I thought you were going to take a shower.” The girl called Rey said as she grabbed a waffle off of the top of the stack.

The boy Finn was filling out what looked to be schoolwork, although I vaguely remembered being homeschooled, so I couldn't imagine why he was doing it so early in the morning. The tutor didn't come until ten.

“I don't have any clothes.” I whispered, wondering if I could just grab food too.

He would have punished me swiftly for such indulgence. I had to maintain self control at all times.

“That's right, I grabbed you some t-shirts and some sweatpants this morning. They'll have to work for the time being. Maybe this weekend we could take a trip to the mall, get you some clothes. We could make a day of it.” The Senator said and The girl called Rey pumped her fist.

“Could Poe come?” The boy Finn said and the Senator shrugged, laying a plate on the table. 

“of course. I wish I could stay but I've for some business to take care of, but I'll be finished before your lessons are over. Love you.” She said before kissing the boy Finn and the girl called Rey on the forehead. The man who sired me was nowhere to be seen. 

“Love you mom.” The girl called Rey said, her mouth full of waffles. The Senator leaned to kiss me on the head and I flinched away from her.

“Right. I love you Ben.” The Senator said ruffling my hair gently and I shied away.  She gave me a thin smile before grabbing her briefcase and heading out of the door.

I went back upstairs to hunt down the clothes the Senator left me and to shower.

I undressed and opened the shower curtain, letting my scarred hands turn on the water. I stepped in, feeling the water cascade over my head. It was still strange to have hot water to bathe in, at least water that wasn't used as a punishment. 

He was very inventive in punishing. 

He only ever punished me.

Never B.

I wiped water off my face quickly, feeling like I was being suffocated and reached up for a cloth, only to grab the girl called Rey’s bra.

I turned off the water and looked down at the fabric through my dripping eyelashes.

It was very unlike her. It was polka dotted and pink. She was very much not like that. She was rough, her clothes, even her pajamas, were always baggy, as if she were wearing other people's clothes, even though the Senator could afford to buy her better fitting ones. Heck, the clothes she bought me seemed more high end than they needed to be.

I held the cups up to my chest, wondering exactly how it was that she wore such a thing before I heard sharp laughter.

_ Very pretty Kylo. _ A cruel voice echoed in my head, it's tone twisting like barb wire around my spine

I dropped the bra and covered my ears in a vain attempt to keep them out of my head. His punishments were cruel, but nothing compared to bringing in B. B was sadistic, and followed orders no matter what. B was worse than him, far worse because B could go easy on me, he could feel some sympathy because he could have been me. He could have spared me. He could have shown me mercy.

But he never did.

I got dressed quickly and headed back downstairs. The boy Finn was no longer in the kitchen, yet the girl called Rey remained, her head in a book.

“Ben. Hey.” She said and I waved at her.

“Come on, let's go in the living room.” She said and I followed her. She sat in the window seat and I scooted in close to her. I wrapped my arms around my knees and hunched over myself.

“It's my lessons. We're reading Anne Frank's diary. Have you read it?” She asked and I shook my head. I hadn't picked up a book in five years. 

“Oh. Well… I'll read it to you.” She said, sliding her body into the side of the window sill as she adjusted her voice. her legs were pressed into my side.

She began to read a couple of passages, her hands scratching lightly through my wet hair before stopping to look at me.

“I probably should stop reading this to you huh?” She said and I furrowed my eyebrows.

I didn't want her to stop reading.

“Why?” I asked softly and she looked at me curiously.

“I don't think a sad story about living in captivity is good for you.” She said and I clenched my jaw in anger.

“It's just a book. It doesn't matter if you think its good for me.” I exploded, throwing the book across the living room and knocking over a vase. I heard The boy Finn’s footsteps as he came at the sound of yelling.

“There's no need for dramatics Ben. You were visibly upset.” She said and the doorbell rang.

“It's uncle Luke.” The person on the other side of the door said and the boy Finn went to open the door, his eyes still on the girl called Rey.

“Ben? Your parents told me you were home.” The Senator's Brother said before hugging me and my body tightened like a coil. I pushed him off of me quickly before disappearing upstairs.

 

“Where’s Ben?” I heard the Senator ask and I tucked my head into my knees tightly. 

“He freaked out when Uncle Luke hugged him and ran upstairs. It was probably because of the hand, it’s a little unsettling at first.” The Boy, Finn said and The girl called Rey scoffed.

“No offense.” The Boy Finn offered. 

“That can’t be it, Ben was here when Luke lost his hand.” The Senator said before sighing. 

“I should go find him.” She said and I pulled my legs in tighter.

The closet was dark and it felt like I was still back there with Him. I could still feel his stale breath on the back of my neck as B held my wrist tight. 

 

“Kylo! Kylo!” 

I squeezed my head harder between my elbows as i tried to get his angry voice out of my head. 

“Ben!”  I was wretched into reality by arms yanking on my elbows. I  looked up to see the girl called Rey standing in front of me. She was bent down to my eye-level, hair falling in her face.

“Ben, were you crying again?” She asked with a small understanding smile and I wiped at my face feebly. I was being so weak. He would never approve. 

I could feel his disapproval beating down on me, making me want to cower in front of him, Lay out with my back exposed and let him do with me what he wills. 

“Ben, it’s okay. You don’t have to be scared.” She said and I wiped my face again,

“I’m not scared.” I said, standing up. I loomed over her menacingly, I could feel my anger boiling up in my chest.

“It's okay if you were, I'm just-” She began and I took a step toward her.

“I'm am not afraid! Fear is for the weak and I’m not weak.” I said, my chest heaving and she just looked at me with her arms folded across her chest.

“Tantrums are for children. It’s okay to be afraid, something scary happened to you. It’s not fear that makes you weak, it’s how you react to it that determines whether you’re weak.” She said, putting her hand on my chest. What she said sounded rehearsed, yet no less genuine. She sounded familiar, but i couldn’t figure out why I thought that.

“I’m not weak.” I gritted through my teeth, my voice breaking as i tried to contain all of my rage and she nodded. Her hand was tiny against my chest, but steady. She wasn’t afraid of me. 

“I know, i know.” She soothed, taking a deep breath that i instinctively followed. 

“Uncle Luke scared you that’s all, and that’s okay.” She said and I belligerently shook my head. 

“No, he scared you. He hugged you before you really had a chance to prepare. He caught you off guard. You were distracted by our fight, and he scared you. Maybe he reminded you of where you were before, or maybe you just weren’t expecting it. It’s fine. It’s okay that he scared you, and you got out of there as fast as you could, that was smart.” She said softly until i had stopped breathing so heavy and rage wasn’t clouding my mind.

“Ben?” I heard the Senator say and I looked up at the door.

“Can we talk?” She asked and The girl called Rey stepped out of my way so that I could follow the Senator out of my room. I spared one final look to the girl called Rey before leaving with the Senator.

I made my way to the senator’s office and sat in the chair behind her desk. It was big and plush. I used to climb in it when i was a kid and spin until i was dizzy. 

She smiled softly at me before sitting in a hard backed chair. 

“Ben, honey?” She said softly and I tucked my feet into the chair. 

“Can we talk?” She said and I pulled my sleeves over my hands. 

“I guess.” I whispered and she nodded.

“You pushed your uncle Luke pretty hard.” She said and I shrugged, hugging my knees. 

“I didn’t mean to.” I mumbled and she leaned forward in the chair.

“Yeah, I know. But I want to kind of talk to you about why. We haven’t talked about what happened when you were...away.” She said, struggling to find a word for what happened when I was taken by Him.

“I don’t want to.” I muttered and she sighed.

“I just want to make sure whoever took you can’t hurt you again.” She said and I just gripped my ankles tight, looking down at the fibers of the carpet.

“You can’t guarantee that. Besides, I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just not.” I said and she sighed, but let me go.

 


	3. Pervert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is fascinated by The Girl Called Rey. Everyone else is a little more wary

Days began to pass like that as the girl called Rey read stories to me and the senator tried to pry what happened back _there_  out of me. 

The girl called Rey intrigued me. 

She was full of strange habits, and contrary thinking. 

She was always so brave, and told me not to be afraid, but she shook every time the doorbell rang. 

She loved Finn as a brother and insisted that that was what they were, no matter what anyone said. 

She always read from her books to me, even though sometimes she had to reread paragraphs because I couldn’t quite get it all. 

She did voices when she read aloud, regardless of whether she thought I was there listening or not, even though i was always there listening.

She loved Han Solo, the man who sired me, more than I’d ever thought I could. She worshipped the ground he walked on, and no matter how many times he lost a key, or was late for dinner or didn’t come home, she still loved him. 

Before He took me, the senator and the man who sired me fought about that a lot.

I don’t know how she could find him at fault, she was also never home.

She was the most loving creature in the whole world, yet her anger could rival mine and she always seemed to be able to shut me down with a look. 

She was a lot like the senator that way, being the only other person who could handle my temper, only of course the senator had lost her touch. 

The girl called Rey was amazing, and derailed all of my thinking. 

I wanted to always be watching her, I wanted to figure her out like a puzzle. 

 

A rumbling noise shook the house and I bolted quickly in bed.  My throat was sore from what I didn’t know, and my feet weren’t black yet. 

I’d been waking up with pitch black feet which i could deduce meant I’d been sleeping walking, i just didn’t know why yet. 

My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I tried to take a deep breath when lightning flashed against the sky, lighting my room like a flick of a switch.

My brain seemed to go back on autopilot and I felt my heart leap into my throat as the room was plunged in darkness and I was back in that room with Them.

B was holding my wrists tight and he was there, he was always there staring down at me with his predator like gaze as B forced me down on my knees. 

 

I was snapped out of it by the gentle feeling of someone scratching through my hair. 

“Ben?” The girl called Rey asked and my eyes snapped over to her. 

I was sitting on her bed, my knees tucked into my chest and her hands caressed my hair. I was shaking. 

“It’s okay. It’s just thunder. Don’t worry. I was afraid of thunder too. But it won’t hurt you.” She cooed and I tucked my head into her small shoulder. 

“How did i get here?” I asked softly and she leaned on me heavier.

“You walked in here, you were trying to get out of the house I think, but you were lost.” She said, her scratching more intense and i let my eyes drift closed. 

I wasn’t sleeping, i doubted I could actually get back to sleep, but i was calming down.

She was breathing softly, and I modeled my breathing after hers. 

The thunder crashed around us for a while, and every time my breathing would ratchet up, she’d scratch a little more intently until i calmed down again.

I laid on my side and she followed, her hands still tangled in my hair.

“Where do you go?” She asked and I shrugged.

“I don’t know.” I whispered and she bit her lip. I tracked the movement with my eyes.

“Are you afraid they’re going to come back? Do you think you’re looking for them?” She asked and I closed my eyes. 

I was so afraid, because I knew he’d come eventually. 

There was only so much hiding I could do from him. He told me he’d always come back for me.

“Yes.” I whispered and she nodded.

“I’m afraid someone’s coming for me too.” She said before taking a deeper breath.

 

“No one’s going to take you away from me.” I whispered but it was too late. She’d fallen asleep. 

 

I woke up the next morning in my own bed. 

My feet weren’t black.

My mind drifted back to last night. The girl called Rey had taken me in. 

She had made me hers in a way.

 

There was soft music coming from down the hall, and I could hear the Senator downstairs in the kitchen.

I closed my eyes trying to locate everyone in the house.

The boy Finn was in the bathroom, the senator was downstairs, the man who sired me was nowhere to be found, and the girl named Rey-

I couldn’t tell what she was doing. 

I crept over to her room, and pushed the door opened slowly until I could see what she was doing through a crack.

 

She was twirling through her room and I stepped closer.

She was bending and stretching and humming under her breath.

She was dancing?

 

All the air was knocked out of me as my back hit the wall and the music cut off quickly.

“What the fuck were you doing watching my sister? Huh?” The Boy, Finn yelled and I tried to get out of his grip, my heart jackrabbiting in my chest and my blood beginning to boil.

“Get off of me!” I yelled and he pushed me against the wall again, hard. 

“Stop it Finn.” The girl called Rey yelled and I tried to push him off me again. His fist connected with my face and I hit the floor before getting up, punching him back.

“What’s  going on up here!” The Senator yelled, running up the stairs. Everything was blurry, boiling and blacking out. I could taste blood.

“Ben, calm down.” The girl called Rey instructed as the Senator grabbed the boy,Finn. 

“What happened? Someone better talk!” The Senator yelled and The girl called Rey pushed me back against the wall.

“I found that pervert watching Rey.” He hurled out viciously.

“I’m not a pervert!” I yelled, lunging at him and Rey pushed me back into the wall.

“Only perverts watch thirteen year old girls through cracks in the door.” Finn yelled and I lunged again.

“Shut up!” I said and Rey pushed me again, harder.

“Finn, go downstairs.” The Senator said, pushing the boy until he turned and heaved himself downstairs. 

“He wasn’t doing nothing.” The girl called Rey defended me.

“Rey, you too. I want to talk to Ben alone.” She said and the girl called Rey spared a glance at me before  heading downstairs where The Boy, Finn was slamming doors and cabinets.

 

“Ben let me see. Come here.” She said, reaching her hands out to me  and i tried to wriggle out of her grip. 

“Ben, let me see you face!” She said and I pushed her off of me before locking myself in my room.

I sat on my bed, my chest heaving before getting up, pushing over my bookshelf.

“Ben, please calm down.” The senator yelled outside of the door and I tipped opened one of my old stuffed animals before rolling my shoulders and picking up a book. I threw the book against the door and the senator squeaked. 

“Ben, calm down before you hurt yourself!” she yelled but i tore my mattress off of my bedframe. 

I sat down in a corner and pulled my shirt off over my head before spitting the blood into it and screaming. 

“Ben!” The senator yelled through the door but I just covered my mouth with the bloody shirt as I screamed louder.

 

There was a knock at my door and I looked up. 

I’d been sitting in the corner most of the day, it was now dark and I hadn’t had anything to eat.

“Ben, it’s me.” Rey said and I got up, opening the door for her. 

“I can’t believe he hit you in the face. Are you okay?” She said, reaching up to caress my face and I sat back on my haunches so she could reach me. 

“It’s okay.” I whispered and she shook her head. 

“No it’s not. He shouldn’t have hit you.” She said, pressing on my swollen cheek.

“I’m going to pop him in his lip. He knows you’re not well, he shouldn’t have did that.” She said and I made an indignant noise. 

“I’m not sick.” I whimpered and she tsked. 

“Yeah, but, you’re not… okay. Some stuff happened to you. Some serious stuff. He shouldn’t have said that!” She said heated before taking a deep breath. 

“I know you weren’t doing anything weird. He’s just so protective, he doesn’t think.” She said and before I could stop myself, i wrapped my hands around her waist and dragged her to my chest, tucking my head into her neck as i sighed. 

She petted over my head before leaning back and kissing me on the forehead. 

My stomach growled and she pulled back with a laugh.

“Don’t worry. I brought you a sandwich.” she said before pulling a wrapped sandwich out and handing it to me. I snatched it from her and bit into it. I finished it and she reached into her pocket, handing me a cookie. 

I smiled at her and she she smiled back at me. 

“I should go, it’s getting close to my bedtime.” She said before looking around my room. She lifted my bookcase up and piled a couple of the book back on it. 

“Tantrums make life much harder Ben.” She said, straightening my bed with her hip. 

“Sorry.” I whispered and she passed her hand through my hair before leaving the room. 

“Good night Ben.” She whispered from the hallway and I waved before kicking the door closed. 

 

“I need you here han!” I heard the Senator hiss and he scoffed.

“He doesn’t want me here! I don’t know how to talk to him. He won’t even look at me.” He exploded and I moved closer to my door. 

“Finn caught him watching Rey today through a crack in her door, and I don’t know what to think.” She said.

“Well what was she doing?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter what she was doing.” She snapped.

“I didn’t mean it like it was her fault he was watching. I was just curious to know what she was doing.” He said back just as angrily.

“She was fully clothed, practicing for her recital. Is this something we should worry about?” She said.

“He probably hasn’t seen a girl in years. He’s probably just curious.” The man who sired me said.

“Yes, but he’s a twelve year old trapped in a seventeen year old’s body. His hormones are racing and she’s the only girl he’s seen.” 

“Yeah, but he doesn’t know what to do with all of those hormones.” He scoffed.

“That’s the point. Finn’s worried he’s going to hurt Rey, and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be shocked if he did.” The senator said and I gasped.

I wouldn’t hurt the girl called Rey. Never.

“So what do you want? You want to kick him out? We’ll kick him out to keep her safe.”

“Han, you can’t be serious. We just got him back!” The senator hissed. 

“What do you want from me? Huh? I offered a solution. Look, we could be worried over nothing.  He could be into guys. We lucked out with Finn, and Ben was always attached to Poe’s hip.” He offered and I sneered. 

I didn’t think I liked men.

“I’m tired, I can’t- just… try for me please, i can’t do this by myself. I can’t reach him anymore. The only person who can is Rey… please just… we need you.” She said softly and I flopped back onto my bed as their voices faded down the hallway. I felt like I could still feel Rey’s tiny frame in my arms and I hugged myself tight to keep the feeling.

 


	4. Brother Armitage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes in public for the first time.

“Ben! Wake up!” I shot up to see the girl called Rey standing over me on my bed.

“What’s going on?” I asked, moving to the head of my bed.

There was stuffed animal fluff tracked over my floor and onto my bed. 

“We’re going to Coruscant! Wake up!” She said, jumping off of the bed and I got up, heading to the bathroom.

I opened the door to see the boy, Finn standing in the mirror, a towel wrapped around his waist. 

A dark black scar ran along his spine. 

He turned on me with a sneer before knocking his shoulder into mine as he exited the bathroom. 

My lip was still a little puffy, a cut over my lip turning purple with a bruise. 

 

We pulled up at the mall and the Senator stood in front of us.

This was the first place i’d been in public in a long time and my face and fist were bruised up. 

“Behave yourselves. I'll be just there in the nail salon. I trust you two will help your brother out.” She said. She always prided herself on being amongst her constituents. The boy, Finn scoffed at the notion that I could be his brother.

“I mean it, or no Poe for a week.” She said, jabbing a finger into his chest. Poe wrapped his hand around the Boy, Finn’s. 

“Don’t Worry, we’ll be nothing but civil.” Poe answered and The boy, Finn nodded with a grimace. 

She handed us each a fifty dollar bill and kissed her on the forehead. 

“Alright, I’ll be on the west side of the Mall. Call me if you need me.” She said before disappearing into the entrance. 

“Come on Rey.” The boy, Finn said, grabbing her hand and she yanked away from him.

“Don’t hold my hand, i’m not a baby. Besides, we can’t leave Ben. Come on Ben.” She said, grabbing my hand and dragging me behind her.

 

Pretty soon I had an armful of black clothes and my stomach was growling. 

“I’m not surprised. Black seems to be your thing.” Rey said as she grabbed a tray from the food court. I didn't tell her that black hid bloodstains. The Boy, Finn and Poe Dameron were sitting by themselves, eating and kissing. 

The girl called Rey had made many a vomiting noise at the sight. 

“Can you grab me a straw? I’ll get us a table away from the lovebirds.” She said and I nodded going to get one. I grabbed one and turned to go back to where she was waving when someone bumped into me. 

“Well well well… Look at pretty little Kylo.” I heard and I shook my head. B wasn’t here, he was only in my head. 

“That’s no way to treat your brother Kylo.” B said, forcing his hand under my chin and making me look at him. 

Sure enough B was standing there, his blue eyes piercing and stern. I let my eyes fall to the floor.

“Father would be so disappointed. You’re supposed to be fulfilling  your mission. Then again, it was probably too much for a dumb slut like you to comprehend. Maybe I should have father call it off, bring you home to me. Force knows i’ve missed that mouth.” He said, his hand pinching my jaw tightly.

“What have they done to your mouth?” He tsked.

“B-b-brother, what are y-y-you doing here?” I whimpered and he sneered. 

“Did you think Father trusted you off on your own? You were always a screw up, we have to watch you to make sure you fulfill your mission. We’re always watching you.” He said and I felt my knees go weak and my pants grow damp.

“Look at you, making a mess off yourself in public. What a filthy animal you are, Kylo.” B hissed and I kept my eyes trained on the ground and my fist clenched at my side.

“Hey! Hey what are you doing!” I heard the Girl called Rey yell before I felt a hand rip me away from him and I watched with Trepidation as she punched him square in the jaw.

“Get out of here, before I fuck you up!” She yelled and he advanced on her.

Finn was there before I knew it, pushing him down. 

“You get little girls to fight your battles Kylo. How pathetic.” He spat out, standing up and walking away.

“Yeah yeah! Fuck off!” She yelled after him before looking back at me.

“Oh… Oh Ben.” She said softly and I kept my eyes trained on the floor, clenching my fist. 

“We should get home. Call mom Finn.” She said and I felt like I was hearing things through a tunnel.

They were still after me. But she, she fought for me. 

She went against B for me. 

My Rey protected me. 

 

“Ben, who was that guy?’ My Rey asked, getting close to me. We were in the back seat as The Senator talked to The boy, Finn and Poe Dameron and a mall security guard.. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said, my fingernails scratching at the rough denim of my new jeans.  I’d changed in a department store bathroom. They were stiff and scratchy and I was beyond mortified because I’d pissed my pants in front of My Rey.

“Was he one of the guys… He’s the guy you’re hiding from?” She asked and I shrugged. B was only a  couple of years older than me, two at the most. There was no way he could have kidnapped me on his own and she knew that. 

“Please leave it alone.” I whispered and she scowled. 

“He was! That asshole. I should’ve punched him harder. I should have broken his jaw.” She lamented and I just looked out of the window. 

“Are you going to tell mom?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“You have to.” She complained and I shook my head again.

“I can’t tell her, and you can’t either. Promise me. Promise me you’ll keep my secret.” I pleaded, holding out my pinky and she hesitated before grabbing it with hers. 

“Fine. I promise.” She relented and The Senator opened the door. 

“Alright, we’re clear to go home. We’re going to have a talk young lady when we get home. You know better than to put your hands on someone.” She said and My Rey just crossed her eyes as she was berated. 

 

I made my way into the house and the senator went to catch my arm. I yanked away from her. I continued upstairs and to my room, kicking the room door closed and locking it. 

 

I slept for 42 hours straight. 

I opened my eyes to see a cookie on my night table. 

I rubbed at my arm as I looked around. I was still in my jeans, but my shirt had been rucked up in sleep. 

“Ben?” I looked over in the corner to see the man who sired me sitting in a rocking chair that was placed there when this was a nursery. The Senator was standing beside him, her hands clasped

“Senator.” I whispered and her face fell. 

“Honey, who’s Kylo?” She asked and I looked down at my mussed sheets. 

“I don’t know.” I whispered and she stepped closer, sitting softly on the bed. 

“Ben, talk to us.” The man who sired me said and I flinched, climbing up the bed. 

He leaned back in the chair, looking uncomfortable, like he wanted to bolt from the room. I didn’t blame him. I wanted him to leave to. 

It was what he was good at. 

“I don’t… i don’t have anything to say.” I said and he rubbed at my leg. I pulled down my shirt awkwardly.

“Ben… we still haven’t talked about the people who took you from us. If you’re worried about retaliation, I beefed up my security. No one will get near you. I promise you. You’ve just got to let us in. We’re your parents. We love you. We just want you to be okay.” She said and I shrugged.

“I don’t know who they were.” I whispered.

I could hear the man who sired me tsk. 

“Ben, it’s small steps. Just start by telling us how you got here that night?” She asked and I shrugged again. 

“I don’t know.” I whispered. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 

She was getting frustrated with me.

“Did that boy who got into a fight with Rey at the mall, was he with you there? Rey says she doesn’t know what happened.” She asked and I shrugged again.

“He’s shrugging. That’s all he can do, fucking shrug. We should have sent Rey in here, she could have gotten an answer out of him.” The man who sired me said and she hit him. 

“Shut it Han.” She berated before looking over at me. 

“Please Ben. We want to help you. We want to keep you safe.” She said and i looked down before taking a deep breath. 

“I… will try better next time. I will think harder, but for now, I’m just tired.” I said, my voice measured and the man who sired me gave me a  long suffering sigh before leaving the room. 

“You’ve slept for 42 hours honey… are you sure?” She asked and I nodded. 

“Can I see m- Rey?” I asked and her face went neutral.

“Are you sure?” She asked and I nodded. 

“I would like her to read to me another book.” I whispered and she nodded. 

“Sure, anything Ben.” She said before leaving the door opened. 

I looked out the window.

No one was out there.

 

My Rey stepped in the room and I immediately turned to face her.

“They’re not out there.” She whispered and I let out a deep breath i hadn’t even realized I was holding before sitting on my bed. 

“I have another book. Something a little less depressing.” She said holding up the paperback before sitting beside me on the floor. 

 

I awoke with a start at the sound of a loud thunderclap to find myself soaking wet. My fingers were pressed against glass and my toes felt dirty. 

I looked around to realize it was raining. 

I’d slept walked outside. 

I’d never waken up outside before and I got this weird feeling like something was right behind me, breathing on my neck like He used to. The night sky lit up ominously with lightning and I jumped.

I tugged on the door with no avail. 

It was locked. 

I was locked outside and I felt like i was going to pass out as the feeling got stronger and stronger. 

Someone was behind me, but i didn’t want to look back because if I looked back it would be real and He would be standing behind me and B would be right. He would take me back and I’d be stuck with him. He’d take me and hurt me again and break me again until i could learn to stop being such a failure and l could learn to know my place.

I punched the glass in the door, listening to it rattle in its pane.

It felt like my own insides were just as fragile.

“No!” I repeatedly yelled as I banged on the door.

“Ben?” I looked up to see the boy, Finn standing at the kitchen entrance. 

“What’s that noise?” My eyes flicked over to see My Rey standing at the door, rubbing at her eyes like she had just been sleeping. Her t-shirt had fallen down her shoulder and she looked so soft and young. 

“Ben? Finn! Don’t just stand there!” She said before opening the door and pulling me into her arms. 

My skin felt cold and clammy against hers and my hair stuck to my head. 

“Oh my god. What happened?” She asked and i shook my head. 

“I… I couldn’t… I couldn’t get back in, and they were coming for me. They’re right behind me” I gasped out, my shoulders shuddering. 

“Why couldn’t you get back in?” She asked, holding my face in her hands and I sucked in a huge breath.

“I locked the door.” The boy, Finn answered.

“You did what?” She said, turning on him. 

“I came downstairs and the door was opened so I looked outside. I didn’t see anyone, so I locked it.” He said. 

“Why would you do that?” She asked. 

“Because it was open.”

“Because he sleep walks. Why would you lock him out?”

“Because, I didn’t want anyone to take you! If i had known the freak was out there, i wouldn’t have let him stay there.”

“Don’t call him that!” She defended. 

“Why not, it’s the truth. Look, if he’s right and there’s someone out there looking for him, we’ve got to tell mom and dad. He can’t keep leaving doors unlocked. Someone could get in, and hurt you or mom or dad. We can’t risk that. I’m not okay with that. I’ve never let anyone hurt you before, and i damn sure won’t let them now.” He said aggressively. 

“Who’s going to hurt me?” She asked. 

“He will, if we’re not careful, he’ll get the whole family killed.” He said and I shook my head. 

“I’ll never hurt her.” I gasped out and he shook his head. 

“I’m going to bed. Keep the door locked. Tomorrow morning, we tell Mom. You understand?” The boy, Finn said and My Rey just clenched her teeth. 

 

She lead me back to my room, wrapping a towel around my shoulders. 

“I know you’ll never hurt me Ben.” She said and I sat on my floor beside my bed. She sat down in front of me, rubbing the towel through my hair.

It was completely pitch black besides the less frequent flashes of lightning. 

The storm was rolling away. 

“Thank you for keeping my secret.” I whispered and she smiled softly.

“It’s not a problem. But maybe… maybe Finn’s right. Maybe we should tell her about the sleep walking. Or get her to beef up security around here or something. You said someone was there...that’s scary.” She said and I shook my head. 

“I can’t… not yet.” I whispered and she just grabbed my hand. 

“We’ll figure it out.” She said and I nodded before leaning forward and pressing my lips to hers. 

B had never done this to me before. Neither did he. 

I’d only ever seen The Senator and the man who sired me do it, and it was long before I was taken.

I pulled back and her cheeks were warm against my fingers. I let them drift to the floor.

“Ben…” She whispered and I shook my head. 

“You can’t tell anyone I did that. You can’t.” I whispered and she tried to put her hands on my shoulders

I stuck my pinky out and she automatically linked them. 

“Ben-”

“Get out… just leave me alone please.” I said and she stood up. 

“Good night Ben.” She whispered wistfully and I just closed my eyes. 

I’d never felt like that before. My stomach was in knots and my chest hurt. 


	5. Child Psychology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben gets taken to Rey's child Psychologist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: vague allusions to sexual trauma.

 

_ My Rey shushed me as she sat on the bed in front of me. Her legs were folded and her knees stuck out of her shorts. I lifted my hand to my face to see I was crying yet again. _

_ “It’s okay. I’ll protect you. I’ll do anything for you.” She whispered and I smiled.  _

_ “We’ll do this, together.” I whispered and she nodded with a smile. _

_ “Of course we will. I’ll help you complete your mission.” She said, linking her pinky with mine before leaning forward and pressing her lips to mine.  _

_ Her skin was soft and her face felt warm against my cheeks.  _

_ He hands spread against my bicep and I pressed closer. One hand trailed up to my hair and she pet through it.  _

_ “Everything will be okay.” She whispered against my lips. _

 

I woke up to sticky pajama pants. 

I hadn’t had that happen to me since B. I hadn’t had that sick twisted feeling since I lied under him. 

What was wrong with me?

 

“Ben?” I heard the Senator call and I pulled the blanket up to my chin to hide my shame. 

“Ben, honey, could you get dressed? You and I have some errands to run.” She said opening the door. 

I ran a hand through my hair. 

“Can Rey come too?” I asked and she sighed, her eyebrow raising. 

“We’ll see, she has ballet later.” She said before leaving the room and I let out a breath before sitting up in bed and letting my head drop between my knees. 

I took a couple of deep breaths before getting up and heading to the bathroom. 

I washed my shame from my body before getting dressed and heading downstairs. 

My cheeks flushed as I made eye contact with my Rey.

“Good morning.” I said shyly and she looked down at the table. 

“Good morning Ben.” She said before grabbing a bowl. 

An involuntary smile slid across my face. 

“I don’t like it when you smile, you look like a creep.” The boy, Finn said and the smile slipped from my face.

“Don’t be such a dick.” She said, punching him in the shoulder as he passed. 

“Language Rey! And don’t be such a dick Finn.” The senator said, mischief  sparkling in her eyes. 

“Yeah yeah. Mom, me and Poe are going to play some pickup basketball, is that alright?” He asked, sitting down at the table.

“Basketball? Yeah right, more like tonsil hockey.” My Rey said, pouring herself a bowl and Fin cuffed her over the head before ruffling her sleepworn hair. 

She swatted at him. 

The senator went to the coffee machine and I stood behind my chair, wondering where i even fit  into this family unit anymore. 

Sometimes it seemed like for all intents and purposes the senator replaced me, no matter how many times she denied it. 

Then again, of course she replaced me, I was too much trouble, much more than i was worth. 

“Here, you want some cheerios or fruit loops?” She asked, sliding a bowl in front of my chair. I sat down, grabbing the box of cheerios. 

I still hadn’t become accustomed to eating with the family unit. 

Although the man who sired me did not share meals with the family unit. 

Well, not meals I attended. 

He’s been basically hellbent to avoid me. 

“So what are you doing today mom?” My Rey asked and I focused on the the little pieces of cereal floating in my milk. 

“Ben and I are going to run some errands.” she answered and I squeezed the spoon watching as the muscles in my arms tensed up before releasing. 

“Wait, i don’t want to be alone all day.” She said and I looked up. 

‘You could come with… if you want.” I whispered and looked up from the bowl. Her cheeks lit up and I gave a small smile before catching the boy, Finn’s eyes. He looked between us and I dropped my gaze back to the bowl. 

“Yeah, sure. I could get some more pictures.” She said. 

“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, you’ve got ballet tonight dear.” The senator said and My Rey scoffed. 

“Yeah, tonight, it’s not like you’re taking Ben off to the woods to drop him off. We’ll be back before then.” She said and my brow furrowed. 

Why would she say that? 

My Rey went running upstairs, and The boy Finn gave me another look before heading out the door to, I presume, hang out with Poe. 

“Don’t worry, he’ll warm up to you, eventually.” She said before grabbing her keys. 

“We’ve got to get a move on Rey!” The senator yelled and she came running down the stairs, her shoe laces bouncing against the wood of the stairs. The senator opened the door and two big men in black stood there. 

My Rey and I both jumped.

She hid behind me. 

“Hey fellas.” the senator said. She turned back to look at us.

“Oh, it’s okay. Don’t worry. These guys are a part of security. They’re going to make sure we’re looked  after on our errands. Okay?”  She placated and I nodded slowly, feeling My Rey’s fingers uncurling from the back of my hooded sweatshirt. 

“Alright then, come along.” She said and I followed her out of the door, Rey smushed between me and the Senator. I crawled into the back seat and the senator crawled in the middle seat.

“They’re going to drive us, okay?” She explained and I nodded as Rey squeezed into the seat beside me. 

I heard the snap of a camera and I turned to look at My Rey. Her camera was aimed towards the other cars speeding by. 

I leaned forward towards the Senator’s seat. 

“You’re not taking me to the woods to drop me off, are you?” I whispered into her ear and she looked back at me. 

“Of course not dear.” She said, petting her hands through my hair. I sat back and My Rey put her hand over mine. 

 

We made a stop at a building.

“Okay, here’s the first errand. Come on you guys.” She said and I stepped out of the car warily. I hadn’t been in public since the B incident, and I knew they were watching, probably scheming to come get me because I couldn’t complete my mission. 

The security team swarmed around us as I made my way into the building. They were so tall, there was no way anyone could see any of us. 

 

We got into the Elevator and I took a deep breath. 

I missed confined space sometimes. The Senators house felt so big and so full of people sometimes. 

We stopped on the fifth floor and I got out of the elevator. 

The floor was quiet and there was only an office space. 

“Alright, here we are.” She said and i furrowed my eyebrows as I read the sign on the door.

Childhood and adolescent trauma

What?

“What?” I asked and she took a deep breath.

“Mom, why are we here? I don’t have an appointment today.” My Rey said and the senator leaned down to her height. 

“This isn’t for you today sweetie. It’s for Ben.” The Senator said before looking up at me. 

“You took me to a nut doctor? You think I’m crazy?” I asked, my eyes wide. 

I couldn’t be here. 

This was even worse than being picked up by the police. I had the right to remain silence in their presence, which they reminded me of.

But not a head doctor. They’d trick me into telling everything.

“No, of course not. I just think it’d help if you talked to someone.” She said and I scoffed. 

That familiar feeling was starting to fill me, stretching my chest until it was painfully tight. 

“I don’t need help! I don’t need to talk to someone!” I yelled, my fist balled up at my side. 

“Ben calm down.” She said and I shook my head. 

“No! You lied to me. I’m not crazy! You’re taking me here because you think I’m some crazy person!”   
“Hey! I’m not crazy. That’s rude. Calm down now Ben. Mom shouldn’t have sprung this on you, and you don’t have to tell her anything if you don’t want to, but she’s right. If you don’t want to tell mom, you can talk to someone else.” She said soothingly, her arms petting down my biceps and I took a deep breath, feeling them flex under her tiny fingers. 

“I don’t need to talk to someone else. I talk to you.” I whispered and she gave me a small smile. 

“I know you do. But maybe this will be better?” My Rey whispered and I shook my head. 

“Never better.” I said and The Senator cleared her throat. 

“Will you give it a try?” She asked and I looked back at My Rey. She was nodding at me.    
I nodded and let her lead me into the office space.

“Ben?” I looked up to see Maz Kanata. She was married to the Man who sired me’s Best Friend, Uncle Chewy.

I was so close to him when I was a child. 

It was amazing to think he hadn’t come to see me yet. 

He had always been in my corner. But I guess not anymore.

That kind of made me sad. 

“Please sit.” She said and I sat in the chair, my knees jabbing under my sternum. 

This chair was really little.

“Sorry about that, I’m not really used to people of your size, hang on for a second.” She said, going to the closet and pulling out a large chair. 

 

I sat in it and pulled my knees back into my chest. 

 

“How are you feeling today Ben?” She asked and I shrugged. 

I was in the room. She couldn’t make me talk. 

“Alright, I get it. Let’s talk about Rey.” She said and I looked down at my sneakers. 

“What about her?” I asked cautiously.

“I just want to know a little bit about her.” She said. 

“You know about her. She comes to see you too from my understanding.” I said slowly and she chuckled. 

“You were always such a stubborn child.” She said endearingly. 

“Well you were always the size of one.” I said back and she laughed. 

“And sharp as a tack with a lightning tongue.” She said before putting her pen down. 

“I know about Rey. What do you know about her?” She asked and I sighed. 

“She’s 13. About 5 feet, brown hair, green gray eyes.” I said and she shook her head. 

“A clever one. But you’re right, she’s nothing out of the ordinary.”

“How could you say that? She’s- She’s amazing. She always reads me stories and changes her voice, and she doesn’t care that I don’t quite understand all of it, because she explains it. She keeps cookies in her pockets and always gives me one. She dances when no one watches and she’s so funny even though I’m afraid to laugh. She’s so smart and so fierce. She understands me. My Rey protects me from all of the bad things even though she’s afraid too, and maybe one day I’ll be able to protect her from the badness that scares her.” I said in a breath and Maz nodded.

“So she’s special. She must be if you called her yours.” She said and I looked down. 

I was weak. 

I was here ten minutes and she’d already gotten that out of me. I had to contain myself.

He would never leave me alone if I continued on like this.

“Ben, tell me what you’re thinking.” She said and I shook my head. 

“I’ve said too much. I’m so weak.” I whispered and she leaned forward. 

“No, you’ve connected with her. That doesn’t make you weak.”

“No. Human connection makes you weak. And if i’m weak I’ll never get away from him.”

Stop talking. Stop talking right now.

“Get away from who? The man who took you?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“Get away from Kylo?” She asked and I looked up quickly.

“Get away from Ben?” She asked and I looked down. 

“You’re a good boy. What they did to you does not define you, or make you weak. You know that right?” She said and I kicked my feet back and forth. 

Being Ben made me weak. If I wasn’t Ben, they wouldn’t have taken me. If I wasn’t weak, they wouldn’t have made me Kylo.

“I want to go now.” I whispered and she sighed but pushed her chair back.

“You’re free to go at any time Ben.” She said and I got up, opening the door.

“Please tell your mother i want to talk to her.” She said and i nodded.

“Mom, you shouldn’t have sprung that on him!” I heard My Rey yell and I walked farther down the hallway, getting closer to their conversation.

“He wouldn’t have come if I hadn’t.” She justified. 

“Yeah, because you wouldn’t have given him the choice. He needs choices. He’s been powerless for so long, he just wants control.” She said and I stepped back. 

Was that what i wanted?

I took a step forward and cleared my throat. 

“Maz Kanata would like to speak to you.” I said, looking down at my feet and The senator nodded before briskly walking back towards Maz Kanata’s office. Rey leaned her back against the wall, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. 

 

“You’ve gotta stop lurking behind every dark corner. It can be misconstrued as creepy.” She said with laugh and i furrowed my eyebrows. 

“I don’t lurk. I stand quietly.” I said and she laughed before sliding down to her butt. 

I came and sat beside her, my shoulders touching hers. She knocked hers into mine, well my side, and I did the same, even though my shoulders were the height of the top of her head. 

“What’d you tell Maz?” She asked and I shrugged. 

Too much.

“Nothing Much.” I said, picking at my sneakers. 

“Did you tell her about that guy?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“Oh.” She said, letting her knees fall to either side before grabbing her ankles. She leaned over them and looked up at me sideways. I looked away.

We sat in silence for a while. 

“Who’s Kylo?” She asked and I looked over at her. She’d adjusted again so that her back was pressed against the wall. He knees were still bowed out.

“That guy called you that, like it was your name. They renamed you.” She said and I let out a sharp breath.. 

I nodded, looking down. 

“Yes.” I whispered. 

“What does it mean?” She asked. How did she know?

“Princess.” I said with a blush high on my cheeks. 

I hadn’t said that out loud before. I’d never had that on my lips. 

It was weird and I didn’t like it.

“Why’d they call you that?” She asked, although she was smart, and I could see her turning it over in her head. 

She’d figure it out. 

“Is… is that why you won’t let dad hug you?” She asked and I stood up. 

I could hear Maz’s door open. 

I’d been trained to be hyper aware of the sound a door makes when it opens. 

There were only so many times i’d been caught before learning that lesson.

I stuck out my pinky and she linked them easily. 

I didn’t even have to say it anymore. 

 

“Come on you two, let’s go.” She said and My Rey reached up. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. 

“Come on, Mom always takes me for ice-cream after my sessions. I’m sure she’ll do the same for you.” She said and I walked behind her as she skipped ahead. 

“Mom! Don’t forget ice-cream!” She yelled as she headed out of the hallway and we were again surrounded by the hired men. 


	6. Pinky promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Leia have a serious talk.

 

“Hurry Rey! Your class starts in ten minutes.” The senator yelled and My Rey came downstairs, hopping on one leg as she pulled at leggings. 

“Have you seen my other shoe?” She asked and the senator sighed. 

“In the pantry! Remember, you thought you would knock the cereal box down if you threw it.” The boy, Finn said. 

“Well, if you weren’t so short, i wouldn’t have had to throw it. Besides, it worked.” She said before screwing her mouth up, looking from the Senator to the boy, Finn. 

“Where’s dad when you need him?” She asked and I went to the pantry, grabbing the shoe effortlessly.

“Here you go, shorty.” I said, giving her lopsided grin and I heard a gasp. 

“You look..” The boy, Finn started.

“Just like” My Rey said, her eyebrows raised. 

“Han when you do that.” The senator breathed and I blushed looking down.

There was a honk and The senator looked like she remembered where she was. 

“That’s your dad. Come on, let’s get you on.” She said, opening the door first and Rey skipped out after her, tugging at the shoes.

The boy, Finn went upstairs and the senator walked back in the house. 

“Meet me in my study please.” She said before heading upstairs.

I followed after.

 

I sat in the big fluffy chair and she sighed, closng the door and locking it behind her. 

So I guess this was serious considering she waited until everyone left us. 

“I talked to Maz.” She said, her fingertips pressed into each other, one hip leaning on the desk. and I nodded, bracing myself.

I’d said too much and Maz Kanata knew. She’d know all about my dream and she’d tell the senator and they’d send me away because I was a dirty boy. They’d send me away for my shame. 

Maz Kanata always knew when I was guilty of something, even as a child during those days when I would stay with her and Uncle Chewy when the senator was campaigning. She’d come up to me and just look up into my eyes, shaking her head before saying.

“I know there’s a cookie in your hand” and I’d always put it into her tiny hands, wondering how she’d known I took it. She could be all the way across the house. 

She’d always know when I’d had a tantrum that had broken a vase, or if I didn’t wash my hands after coming from playing in the backyard.

She knew everything. 

It was like she could read my mind. She probably could and saw my shame. 

She’d probably told the Senator, and she’d get mad and try to kick me out like the man who sired me suggested. 

I didn’t want to leave My Rey.

“Yes.” I said, playing with a scratch in the wood. 

“Can I ask you something?” She asked and I nodded, trying to shut down my mind. 

She wouldn’t get anything from me. 

“Ben, do you know what sex is?” She asked and my face reddened. I’d stopped my ministrations. 

“Mom stop.” I said, so mortified that I’d addressed the Senator as Mom, and she shook her head.

“Ben, please look at me.” She said and I looked up at her. 

“I’m serious. I need to know if you know what that is.” She said and I nodded. I knew vaguely that was what B used to do with me. I didn’t ever want to do that again. 

“Do you want to do that with Rey?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“No. Never. gross.” I said, outraged, almost flipping the chair with my haste to stand up. I didn’t know why I wanted to stand up, maybe to distance myself from those thoughts. 

I would never do that to her. That was sick. I would never do such a thing. I wouldn’t hurt her like that. 

She let out a breath, her hand on her chest.

“Oh. Good.” She said before leaning towards me.

“You understand why you shouldn’t right? I know you’re seventeen and you’ve got urges. But she’s too young for that kind of thing. You’re a lot bigger than her, and you could hurt her. You understand that?” She said and I nodded dumbly.

Why was she still on this? I already told her I wouldn’t ever do that to My Rey. She didn’t deserve what B did to me. 

I wouldn’t treat her that way. 

“There’s something else I want to talk about Ben.” She said and I nodded, wondering if it would be as absurd as the question she’d just asked me. 

“I know I sprung the trip to see Maz on you and I’m sorry about that, but I need you to get hel-” The phone began to ring and she sighed, holding up her finger to me, before picking up the phone. 

“This is she.” She said and I sat back in the chair, inspecting my socked feet. 

“What do you mean they found out? No. You need to bury it.” She said angrily into the phone. 

“No. I understand, but he’s not ready for that.”  She defended, I assume, me. 

“Alright, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She said, before hanging up. 

“Who was that?” I asked and she pinched the bridge of her nose, pushing a deep breath out of them. A tiny wrinkle appeared between her brow. Grayish brown hair fell from her braid. 

She looked exhausted. 

“It’s was a colleague of mine.” She said tiredly. 

“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” I asked, I knew the conversation wasn’t about My Rey, but it could be about me.

Which would affect my Rey. 

“The media found out you’re home. Now i’m getting flack for not coming forward. You’re not ready for that type of thing. I’m not ready to go out into public and expose you to those rats.” She said, leaning against her desk. 

“You’re free to go. I’ve got to figure this thing out.” She said, unlocking the door and I walked out, watching as she shut it in my face inadvertently. 

It reminded me of the old days back when the Senator and the Man who sired me didn’t have time for me.

 

I sat in My Rey’s room one of her books in my lap. 

It wasn’t nearly as magical as when she did it. 

The door opened and I looked up to see her standing in front of me, her ballet shoes hanging off of her index finger. 

“Ben? What are you doing in here?” She asked and I shrugged, holding up the book. 

“Trying to read. I’ve not gotten too far.” I said and she nodded, sitting down on the bed. 

I remained on the floor in front of her bed. 

I closed the book and looked over at her. 

“How was ballet?” I asked and she shrugged, holding onto her ankles. 

“Fun, but hard. My knees kind of hurt.” She said and I stood up, sitting on her bed. 

My shoulder pressed into hers naturally now. 

“I’m sorry.” I said awkwardly and she reached her hand up, brushing the hair out of my face. 

“It’s not a big deal. How are you doing?” She asked, really looking at me and I shrugged, my hand coming to rest in hers. 

“I heard mom in the study. She sounds like she’s been on the phone for a while. You must have been lonely.” She said and I shrugged. 

“I’m used to it. It was like this before I was taken. The senator and the man who sired me never really paid any attention to me.” I said and she bit at the side of her lip. 

“Oh.” She said and I shrugged again. 

“You must know how that is.” I said and she shook her head. 

“No. They’ve played an active role in my life since I got here.” She said and I swallowed a lump in my throat. 

This was a Ben thing then. 

“It was okay, Uncle Chewy took care of me, so I was fine.” I  said, clearing my throat. 

“Yeah, I saw him today after class, he was picking Jessika up.” She said and I shook my head. 

I had no idea who Jessika was. 

“His daughter. She’s the most adorable three year old… you wouldn’t have been here to know that.” She said incredulously. 

It seemed like everyone had replaced me while I was gone. 

“Did I make you sad?” She asked and I shook my head, even though I could feel tears collecting in my eyes. 

I laid my head on my knees and took a deep breath. 

I could hear him screaming in my head, louder than it’d been in a long time. 

I could hear him screaming ‘weak’. 

I was weak. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She said and I looked up at her. Her hair was swept away from her face in a sloppy bun.

I leaned forward, my lips landing just above her lips. I pulled back before attempting again, my lips hitting the mark. 

Her skin tasted salty, like dried tears and her face was warm still. Her lips trembled under mine. The fit wasn’t quite right, my mouth was a little too big for hers, and her fingertips burned through my shirt as she pressed them into my chest. 

My own hands trembled as one cradled the side of her face. 

My heart was leaping in my chest.

I finally pulled away and she leaned her head into the crook of my neck, her fists gripping my shirt firmly. 

“Ben...That’s-” She paused and looked up at me. I smiled down at her, my hands still trembling. I felt shy, but I also felt so… elated. 

I watched as her eyebrows twitched and I swallowed as the shame came over me.

My body had responded like it had when B used to touch me. 

She knew.

She had to have known. 

“Why?” She asked softly and I looked down. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so stupid.” I said through gritted teeth and she shook her head. 

“No. Never. You don’t know. You just don’t know.” She tried to reassure me and I got off of her bed.    
I should leave. 

“I should leave.” I whispered and she shook her head.

“I won’t push you away.” She said and I shook my head.

“I can see it Ben. I can see you’re lonely.” She said and I rubbed at the back of my neck, my throat burning. 

“You make me less lonely.” I whispered and she took a deep breath before kissing me on the corner on my lips.    
She held up her pinky first. 


	7. Only hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The senator holds a press conference and Ben tries to keep it together.

 

“Ben.” I heard someone mock and my head whipped to my bedroom door.

B was standing there.

“Benny, Benji, Ben.” He snorted.

“I can’t believe you’re answering to that, Kylo. That name is beneath you.” He said sharply and I backed up against my bed. 

“Leave me alone.” I whispered, my palms becoming slick with sweat. and he took a step towards the bed. 

He tsked, shaking his head at me.

“You’re never going to learn. We’ll never leave you alone. Never.” He said. I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

I shook my head, trying to cover my ears with my clammy fingers.  

“No.” I choked out.

“Don’t worry, Father’s going to bring you home. We’re going to take care of you.” He  said and I shook my head again, trying to shake him out of my brain.

“Shh, it’s okay. We’ll let your little friend come too. She’ll make the perfect pet.” He said and I clenched my teeth. 

“No. Not my Rey. Don’t lay a hand on her.” I hissed and he laughed. 

“Don’t fret Kylo.” He said, leaning towards me, stroking over my face with his bitterly cold fingers. He cupped my cheek and I flinched at the feeling. 

He was here.

His hands trailed up to my hair before grabbing two fistfuls. I hissed.

“You’ll do it for us. You’ll bring her to us.” He said and I punched myself in the thigh.

B began to waver and before dissolving  into the darkness of the room. 

That wasn’t a dream. I wasn’t asleep. I could tell because of the throbbing pain in my thigh where I had punched it. 

So he had to have been here.

But he wasn’t. 

I was alone. 

I made my way downstairs to see the Senator sitting at the counter on her computer. 

“You’re up early. Do you want something to eat?” She asked and I shook my head, going to the fridge to grab a glass of orange juice. 

I wouldn’t be able to do that back with Him. 

“No thank you.” I whispered and she sighed.

I sat down beside her and I felt her hands tangle in my hair, scratching at it. The tension fell out of my shoulders and I let my eyes drift closed.

“I haven’t done since you were a kid. I think I tried it a month or so before you were taken. You swatted my hand away, remember?” She said, her throat raw and I nodded. 

“I thought I was too old for it.” I whispered and she laughed breathlessly. 

“And look at you now. You’re seventeen. I’ve missed out on your whole life.” She said and I shook my head. 

I didn’t know how it felt to be seventeen, but I knew I didn’t feel it.

“It’s true.” She said before standing up, taking her hand out of my hair. She sighed, dropping her head into her hands. 

“I wish I could rewind. I would do things so much differently.” She said and I looked into my cup. 

“Is that why you got them?” I asked and she looked up.  

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Is that why you adopted them? To right all the things you did wrong? Why did you replace me?”

“Ben, I didn’t replace you.” She said and I nodded.

“You did. But it’s okay.” I said before putting my cup into the sink.

“Ben, I didn-” I headed out of the room and she grabbed my arm. I flinched and she took a deep breath. 

“We’ve got a press conference later on today. I think your dad has a pair of slacks you can borrow.” She said and I ran upstairs, heading to my room. 

I looked at myself in the mirror.

I was wearing a pair of the man who sired me’s slacks and one of his ties. 

The cut above my lip had faded, leaving a silver scar. 

It would find a match with the other scars that He and B had left over the years. 

“Don’t listen to her, Kylo. She just wants to derail your mission.” 

I shook my head, punching my thigh.

“Ben?”

I stood in the mirror, fussing with my hair I’d been trying to smooth it down with some gel from the man who sired me’s bathroom.. 

“Ben?” 

Why wouldn’t it lay down?

“Ben?” There was a hand on my shoulder and I jumped a mile.

“Hey, I was calling you. Didn’t you hear me?”  She asked and I shook my head

“Sorry, I was distracted.” I said, looking over. 

She was wearing a pastel pink dress and her hair was tied up at the nape of her neck.

“Your hair?” She asked and I shrugged.

“Ew gross, don’t put that crap in your hair. You look like dad.” She said, pushing my head down until it was under the faucet. She rinsed it before pulling it all to the back of my head.

“There, now we match.” She said and I looked at myself in the mirror. 

My ears stuck out awkwardly.

“You look nice.” She said and I shook my head as she dragged me downstairs. 

I couldn’t hide behind my hair when it was like this. 

 

It was a rush of people buzzing around and lots of flashing lights.

I didn’t like that.

 

“Senator! Why didn’t you come forward when your son returned?” Someone shouted and she leaned into the mic.

“I wanted to protect him. He escaped their clutches and I thought it was best that until we could find the perpetrators, we would make sure they didn’t know he was home.” She answered, and i furrowed my brows. 

How could she have known that. 

Then again, it didn’t matter, they knew I was here. 

They would come for me anyway. 

“Ben honey… would you come forward?” She asked, holding out her hand to me and I looked back at My Rey. 

‘Go ahead.’ she said and I swallowed stepping forward. 

Shutters began to go off as flashes of light blinded me. 

 

_ “What are you doing?” I asked as I sat in the bathtub. The water was freezing and I was soaking wet from head to toe.  The man still hadn’t stopped taking pictures of my body. He stared at me from behind the lens of the camera. He was pale and his face was scarred. A boy who looked maybe a year or two older than me leaned against the bathroom wall, staring down at his hands. He looked utterly disinterested. His red hair was a shock on top of his pale head. He wore a scowl. _

_ “We’re taking pictures. You’ll want to remember how you looked before.” The man said and I draped my hand over my privates as the other went to cover my chest. I didn’t know what he meant by before, but I knew I didn’t want to be here.  _

_ “My mom said No ones supposed to take pictures of me naked.” I whimpered and a hand came across my face lightning quick before squeezing my face tight between his fingers. It was the red haired boy. His face looked even more severe.  _

_ “You listen to me, and you listen close. From now on you don’t have a mother. She is the senator and that’s all she is. We are your family now. If i hear you refer to her like that again, especially in front of Father I will skin you alive. Do you understand?” he said, his fingertips nearly forcing my jaw open with it’s grip.  _

_ I nodded.  _

_ “When I address you, you speak. Now do you understand me Kylo?” He asked and I bowed my head.  _

_ “Yes Brother.” I whispered.  _

 

I stumbled back from the podium, punching my sore leg and into My Rey. She placed her hand in the middle of my back and took a step forward.

“I’m sorry, he’s just a little overwhelmed.” The senator said and My Rey grabbed my arm. 

“How has it been having him home?” One of the reporters yelled out. 

“It’s been a dream come true.” The senator answered. 

“It’s been really great to have my brother back. He really makes our family complete.” My Rey said, her fingers intertwining with mine and Finn wrapped his arms around my shoulders. 

They were good at this, presenting a united front. 

Even the man who sired me was there, holding onto the Senator like he’d actually stayed the night last night. 

“Why hasn’t a formal investigation been launched?” Someone else yelled and the senator stepped up.

I stepped back, relieved to be out of the limelight. 

I didn’t hear the answer to her question, I was too busy trying to keep my heart in my chest. 

 

“Ever the pawn in someone else’s game Kylo. Honestly, what are you thinking going on TV like this. It’s a big mistake. Father’s so very disappointed in you.” B said, walking towards the stage. 

“I saw the look on your face. You were thinking about the first time huh? Were you thinking about telling? I bet you were.” he said, coming up the stairs. I looked over at the Senator.

No one was paying attention.

How could they not see him?   
I squeezed my eyes shut and I felt the fingertips squeezing my chin. 

“Don’t close your eyes. You can’t get rid of me. You’re weak.” He said and I shook my head. 

“You are. Don’t lie to me. You better not chicken out. Father hates traitors.” He said and I gasped, my fist slamming into my leg even harder. 

 

I felt a hand on my wrist and I looked over to see My Rey looking over at me. 

She had to have seen him too.

“Ben, are you okay?” She mouthed and I nodded, looking around the room. 

B was gone. 

I nodded and she held out her pinky to me. 

I linked it, not sure what we were swearing to keep a secret but feeling like it fit the moment. 

Maybe she knew. She would help me. I needed her to.

Without her, there was no way I’d complete my mission. With her help, I could complete it and everything would be okay.

She was my only hope.


	8. To Prove a Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben flirts to prove a point, and he and Rey talk about abduction.

We made our way home, and I went to my bedroom, undoing the bun, letting my hair fall down until it covered my ears again.

I’d seen the pictures of the man who sired me from when he was younger.

If I looked in the mirror, I knew it would be him who would be staring back at me.

I pulled off his clothes and pulled on a pair of sweatpants before sitting on my bed.

“Ben?” I looked up at the door to see The boy, Finn standing there.

I rubbed at my neck awkwardly.

I hadn’t really gotten used to the idea of him.

He was a direct replacement for me, never mind that My Rey was the same age as me when I was abducted.

He was another boy, and he wasn’t a disappointment. They seemed genuinely proud of him.

They didn’t feel that way about me, or at least it didn’t feel that way.

They didn't look at him and think that he could do the monstrous things that B did to me, to My Rey, even though they thought that I could.

Then again  it could be the fact that he and Poe are intimate.

I wonder if they knew that I had had sex with men before they would think differently.

“Ben?” He asked again and I refocused on him.

“Mom wants to know if you wanted to come eat with the family.” He said awkwardly and I shook my head.

“I tried to tell her.” He said before turning away.

“Why didn’t m- Rey come?” I asked and he turned back towards me, his face screwed up.

“You know, don’t you think it’s a little weird that your only friend is a thirteen year old?” He asked and I shook my head.

“No. She gets me.” I said and he shook his head.

“No one really gets you freak. I  think it’s weird that you only talk to her. You two need space, and that’s not a suggestion.” He said and I balled up my fist.

“What? You going to throw another tantrum?” He said and I clenched my teeth.

“You know, everything that you have was mine first. Including Poe Dameron.” I said, my voice a deep growl.

“Maybe I’ll take him back.” I said.

I heard feet on the stairs.   
My attention turned to behind him.

“Finn mom sent you up here two minutes ago, the food is getting--- cold.” She stopped, one foot poised behind the other as she looked between us.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

“Finn was just asking if I were coming to dinner.” I said, my voice still a soft purr.

“Oh… well let’s get a move on.” She said slowly before bouncing back down stairs.

I followed after her before claiming the seat beside Poe before Finn could.

“You sitting next to me today Buddy?” Poe said and I leaned into his side.

“Of course. What kind of weirdo would I be if my only friend was a thirteen year old.” I purred.

 

I opened my eyes.

I was sitting on my bed.

The clock read 9:40.

I couldn’t remember anything from dinner. It was all a blur.

“Ben?” I looked up to see My Rey standing at the door.

She was wringing her hands.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

I didn’t remember what I did, but I hope I didn’t hurt her.

“So, you like boys?” She asked and I furrowed my eyebrows.

“No. I don’t know. I don’t think so.” I said and she blew out a breath, sitting on the bed with me.

“Oh. Cause, Poe and Finn sure think you do.” She said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because of that stunt you pulled during dinner. You were flirting pretty hard. I don’t know what you said to Poe, but he blushed. Poe doesn’t blush.” She said and I shrugged.

“Oh.” I said.

How could I explain to her that I was proving a point without sounding like a maniac.

“You know, Finn’s going to be mad when he finds out you were flirting with his boyfriend to prove a point.” She said and my eyes widened.

How did she know?

"Come on, I’m not just a silly thirteen year old. I don’t know what I missed, but it’s pretty obvious that you two exchanged words.” She said before looking at me.

“What did he say to you?”

“That I should stay away from you.” I said shyly and she slapped my blanket.

“I’m going to kick his ass.” She exclaimed.

“It’s not just him. They think I’m too close to you too.” I whispered and she raised her eyebrow.

“Who? Mom and Dad?” She asked and I nodded.

“Not just them either. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to go crazy. They’re waiting for me to crack.” I said and she nodded.

“What do you think?” She asked and I shrugged.

“I don’t know what to think.” I said softly.

 

_“Your training is nearly complete.” A voice whispered as I made my way toward the bathroom. There was a light bundle in my arms._

_I knew before I even looked down that it would be My Rey._

_She was laying in my arms, soft and warm._

_Her eyes were closed, and her face looked like she was sleeping._

_“Let’s go.” I purred and B reached out to touch her face._

_“She’ll make an excellent pet.” He said and I shook my head._

_“Did you think you would keep her all to yourself?” He said and I shook my head._

_“No.” I said, pulling her away.  
“If you don’t want me to have her, you know what to do.” He said, pushing me into the bathroom. _

_The tub was already full._

_I laid her in the water, watching as the water slipped through her mouth and covered her face._

_She opened her eyes._

 

I bolted in bed.

It was still dark out.

I struggled to keep myself in bed.

I couldn’t go to her.

I was weak.

I slipped into her room softly and sat on the edge of her bed.

She awoke with a start.

“Ben?” She asked, rubbing at her eyes.   
“What’s going on?” She asked and I shrugged.

“Nightmare.” I whispered and she pulled her blanket up, letting me in beside her.

The senator used to do that for me when I had nightmares.

But that seemed like so long ago.

My Rey’s hands found it’s way to my hair, and stroked it gently.

“It’ll be okay.” She whispered and I closed my eyes, letting her lull me until I was calmer.

“What happened to Finn’s back?” I asked softly.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“The scar on his spine.” I said and she shook her head.

“What scar?” She asked and I shook my head.   
“Never mind.” I said softly, my hands running over the wool blanket.

“You know, Finn’s not a bad guy.” She said and I scoffed.

I’d believe it when I saw it.

“I’m serious.” She said, swatting at my shoulder and I turned around to face her. I put my hand under my head and she mirrored my position.

“Oh really?” I taunted and she rolled her eyes.

“Yes. He’s not at all like you think. He’s a good big brother, and a good person.” She said strongly and I raised an eyebrow.

“What happened? How did you get here?” I asked and she shook her head with a humorless laugh.

“We  should get to sleep.” She said and I furrowed my brows.

“No. I want to know. Tell me.” I said and she sighed.

“I… My parents abandoned me I guess. I was left at a nice foster home. I mean, it wasn’t like this place, but it was decent. I had a roof and some squares. One night someone came to collect my parents debt.” She said before taking a deep breath.

“I was snatched. It was my fault. I answered the door. I should have known better. They left me in Jakku. They promised they’d come back for me. People didn’t know what to think about me. Everyone knew who my parents were, I still don’t. But they… used to beat me up. Finn saved me. He took care of me, wouldn’t leave my side. Mom found us one day. None of us were scheduled for adoption, but she took one look at the conditions we were in, and adopted us. We were a packaged deal, I wouldn’t leave without him, and he wouldn’t leave without me.” She said softly.

“What about you?” She asked and I shook my head.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“How did they take you?” She asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how he knew. But he knew I was… weak. Easily lured. I just wanted someone to pay attention to me, he did. He wasn’t so bold as to snatch me from the middle of the yard, all he did was tell me to get in.” I said and she gripped my hands tight.

“It wasn’t your fault.” She said and I shook my head.

“You don’t get to say that in the same breath that you say that your abduction was your fault.” I said and she sighed.

“I’m working on that, believing that it wasn’t my fault. Maz is helping me.” She said and I leaned forward, connecting my lips with hers. My hand crept up to her cheek and my eyes closed.

It was quickly becoming my favorite thing to kiss My Rey.

She pulled back and looked up at me.

“We should sleep.” She whispered and I closed my eyes.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

I walked downstairs to see the man  who sired me and the senator’s brother sitting at the table. 

“You’re still here.” I said softly and he raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I do live here kid.” He said and I clenched my teeth.

“Could’ve fooled me.” I muttered under my breath. 

I grabbed the cereal and poured me a bowl, eating it at the counter. 

The senator’s brother looked nervous, his fingers ghosting over his prosthetic.

“Where’s everyone?” I asked suspiciously. 

“Rey has a recital this weekend. They went to her rehearsal.” He said. 

“Why was I not invited?” I asked through my teeth. 

“Your mother thought it best if we got some one on one time, talked a little before we had to be there.” He said, nonchalantly, setting his coffee mug in the sink and I laid my bowl beside it. 

“And he’s here because?” I purred. 

“In case I needed back up to get you in the car.” He said before nodding towards the door. 

“We leave in five minutes, I don’t care if you’re dressed or not.” He said and I went back upstairs to put on the jeans My Rey picked out for me. 

I sat in the passenger seat of the Falcon and the Senator’s brother slid in the back. 

“Who says you get that seat?” The man who sired me asked and I scoffed. 

“Didn’t think I’d have to ask to get Finn’s leftovers.” I said and he laughed under his breath. 

“I see you get your attitude from your mother.” He said. 

“And I obviously get my absenteeism from you.” I said and he clenched his jaw before starting the car.

“Ben, I know we haven’t had the best luck since you’ve came back, but you’ve got to know, everything I d-”

“Spare me.” I purred. 

The car ride was silent and I could hear the Senator’s Brother tapping against the door handle in the back.

“Nice talk.”  I said and he sighed. 

“Your mother wanted me to talk to you about Finn.” 

“What about him?” He asked. 

“She wanted me to talk to you about what you said to Poe last night. We don’t care if you like guys or girls, just… you’ve got to respect that Poe is taken, by your brother, you see why that’s not okay.”

“Oh, now I see why you brought him.” I purred before looking in the backseat. 

“How’s it feel to live in your sisters shadow for twenty years? Still holding on to that unrequited crush.” I asked with a smirk. 

“Ben, that’s enough. Look, your mom thought that maybe you’d be a danger to Rey. I don’t know what it is that you’re doing, but I want it to stop, you hear me?” the man who sired me yelled, going to grip my shirt as he pushed me against the seat. An involuntary whimper escaped my throat.

“Ease up han.” The senator’s brother said and the man who sired me let me go.

“I’m sorry Ben. I just… do you understand what I’m saying, are you hearing me?” He asked and I crossed my arms, curling into myself. 

“Loud and clear.” I purred.

I’d have to do it soon, I couldn’t continue to be weak.

We ended up taking a drive through the country before circling back to My Rey’s dance studio.

I sat in the back of the auditorium, tucked right beside the wall. 

It was loud as everyone rushed on and off the stage, shouting and yelling for costume changes. 

I pulled my hair out of my face and tucked my knees in. 

My eyes tracked across the auditorium when I saw him. 

Uncle Chewy. 

He was standing next to the stage, talking to a young girl. 

That must have been baby Jessika that My Rey was talking about.

He was smiling wide, like she was the most precious thing to him. 

Was I really jealous of a three year old?

My Rey ran up, lifting the small girl over her head and tickling her tummy before pointing at the back of the theatre. 

I realized too late as Uncle Chewy turned and began up the aisle that she was pointing at me. 

I let my feet touch the ground before taking a deep breath. 

I didn’t know whether to rush him, or run from him. 

“It’s good to finally see you Ben.” He said, a delicate smile on his face and I stared down at his feet. 

He bent down to my height, his hand coming to cup the back of my neck and my back stiffened. I ducked out of his hold and ran out of the theatre.

I heard footsteps run after me and I ducked into a supply closet that was filled with cloth. 

I locked the door and pushed myself in the corner, wrapping the cloth around my face until it was a struggle to breathe.

I finally could breathe easier. 

It felt right, the darkness wrapping itself snugly around my frame. 

I was sane like this. 

I was Kylo like this, and Kylo wasn’t afraid. 

Not like Ben. 

Kylo could seduce the best of them. 

Ben pissed his pants when men even looked his way. 

I needed to get back to Kylo, or I’d never complete my mission. 

I couldn’t disappoint Father. 

I could hear the music start and I untangled myself from the muslin before walking back to the seating area. I could see ‘my family’ sitting together.

They saved a seat for Ben.

I sat in the back.

 

My Rey danced beautifully. 

 

I sat in the living room. 

The senator’s brother was still in the kitchen with the man who sired me. They were talking quietly. 

Probably about me.

Or maybe trying to come up with an excuse of why they didn’t take me where they were supposed to be taking me.

I’d seen the look on the senator’s face when I arrived, I knew she was not expecting me there when I got there. 

Hopefully they got punished for not doing what they were supposed to. 

 

“Ben?” I looked up to see My Rey standing over me, her hand light on my shoulder.

She looked worried.

I looked around, the TV was playing fuzz.

All of the lights were off.

“Did you not hear me call you?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Way after my bedtime. It’s like two.” She said and I stood up slowly. 

“I thought you were sleeping. But your eyes were open.” She said and I bit my lip. 

Wasn’t it just ten?

“I should go get ready for bed.” I said and she nodded slowly.

“Sure. Ben?” She asked softly and I looked back at her. 

“Maybe we should tell mom and dad.” She said softly and I shook my head. 

“Not yet. It’s too soon.” I said before walking upstairs. 

I went to the bathroom, turning on the showerhead before stepping in. 

 

_ His hands were strong as they wrapped around the back of my throat, forcing my head forward until my forehead was touching his. I whimpered and he squeezed me harder.  _

_ “What is this nonsense I hear of you scratching father?” B asked, his face contorted in a grimace.  _

_ “I-I-I didn’t mean to.” I stuttered out, trying to pull out of his grip. He just dug his fingernails into the scruff of my neck like I was a naughty dog.  _

_ “You don’t make mistakes.” He yelled and I flinched away from him. _

_ “Please, I just want to go home.” I sobbed out.  _

_ My body was bruised and I wanted my mother so bad that it hurt.  _

_ He wrapped his free hand around the base of my throat and I gripped wildly at his hands as he applied pressure. _

_ I couldn’t breathe. _

_ “I-can’t breathe.” I rasped out and He applied more pressure. _

_ Black spots began to appear in my vision and I tried to fight harder.  _

_ I could only muster a weak swipe at his shoulders.  _

_ I felt my body going limp and he let me go. _

_ I hit the ground hard, coughing as I tried to keep my empty stomach from turning inside out.  _

_ I’d hate to think about what he’d do to me if I threw up on the carpet.  _

_ “Go ahead, gag like a dog Kylo. I’ll be more than happy to make you eat it.” He spat and I closed my eyes. _

_ “I’m sorry.” I whispered.  _

_ “You are. You think they will want you back? After everything you’ve done here? No. No one wants you. You’re our property.” He yelled and I whimpered.  _

_ He gripped my hair, pulling my head up painfully.  _

_ “You get it through your skull. This is your home now. You will do what we say, and you will obey us. No more of this wanting to go home nonsense. Do you understand?” He asked and I nodded.  _

_ “Good.” He said before grabbing me by the scruff of my neck.  _

_ He dragged me to the closet and threw me in. _

_ My head hit the wall and I gasped. _

_ “Get out in an hour and we’ll feed you. Fail and I’ll give you worse than you got.” He said, slamming the door in my face and locking it.  _

_ I was plunged in darkness as I bit back tears.  _

 

I opened my eyes.

I was on my hands and knees in the shower, gagging into the drain. 

I fell back on my butt and tucked my knees to my chest to try and quiet my sobs. 

The water was beginning to turn cold and I wrapped my arm around myself, my other hand curled into a fist as it struck at my thigh.

If B could see me now, He’d be disgusted. 

I had to complete my mission, or he’d kill me. 

But if I did, I would have to go back. 

I didn’t want to go back.

 

“Ben?” I felt hands wrap around my shoulder and I was lifted out of the freezing water, a towel wrapped around me. 

I looked up as I was carried to my room, clothes was put on me, and I was laid in bed.

It was the Senator’s brother. 

He made himself busy, pulling pajama pants over my long limbs before rubbing at my back, even as I flinched away. 

“I’m so sorry Ben. I really am.” He whispered and I hiccuped into pillow as I tried to swallow the pain. 


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning the senator took me to see Maz Kanata at the insistence of her brother. 

I wished he’d mind his business. 

I sat in the small chair, the little woman staring at me through her glasses. 

I felt uncomfortable, trying to rein in my emotions. 

I couldn’t explain that I’d had a moment of weakness without her trying to diagnose what exactly that would mean. 

I was scared, yeah, but they didn’t need to know it. 

“Ben, can we talk about the comments you made to Poe?” She asked as she realized that I wasn't going to talk about last night and I just looked down at the wood grain beneath her desk. 

“You said something really inappropriate, I’m not sure if you realize it.” She said and I scoffed. 

“Of course I know what I said to Poe.” I purred and she leaned forward, raising her eyebrow.

“And what exactly did you mean?” She said and I leaned back, crossing my arms. 

“Exactly what I said. I’m sure you and Uncle Chewy are at least a little versed in fucking.” I purred and she wrote something down before leaning forward.

“How old are you?” She said and I shrugged. 

“Seventeen.” I purred

“What’s your full name?” She asked and I paused. 

“Ben Organa Solo.” I said softly after a moment.

“How old is Ben Organa Solo?” She said and I furrowed my eyebrows.

I had to think about it. I know how old the senator said I was, But I didn’t always feel that old.

“Seventeen.” I said quietly.

“Would your uncle chewy approve of that language Ben Organa Solo?”She asked and I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Probably not.” I said slowly, confused. 

“Can I go now?” I asked, fidgeting with my sleeves and she looked up at the clock, calculating how long we had been sitting there. I could see the stark realization dawn on her face as she realized I'd sat in silence for almost an hour before she pointed me off towards the door. 

The senator was waiting outside and Maz Kanata waved her in. 

I pressed my ear to the door. 

“You need to get him help, and you need to get him help fast.” Maz said and I rolled my eyes.

“That’s what I’m here for.” The senator answered. 

“No. more than that. Long term help. I believe he’s dissociating. Have you noticed anything like that? Strange mannerisms and patterns of speech?” Maz asked.

“The thing he said to Poe might have been the only thing I've ever heard him say that wasn’t addressed to me or Rey. I believe that he’s getting better, at home he’s trying to participate, sure he isn’t always right, but he’s trying.”

“Ben, step away from the door!” I heard Maz Kanata say and I did as I was told. 

The senator stepped out.

“Come on, let’s go for Ice-cream.” She said putting her hand on my shoulder softly.

I wonder if she would try to send me away.

 

I stepped out of the bathroom, my hair wet and my leg still throbbing. 

“Ben!” My Rey whispered and I looked over at her. She was holding her finger to her mouth. 

She grabbed my arm and pulled me into her room. 

“What are you doing?” I asked with a heedless giggle, letting go of her hands to push my hair out of my face.

She shushed me before sitting on her bed. 

“Are you done with your ‘crush’ on Poe?” She said and I rolled my eyes. 

“Maybe my attention is bit misguided.” I said and she laughed. 

“You got that right.” She said before looking to me, her head tilted to the side. 

“Why do you do that?” She asked and I looked down at my body.

“Laugh?” I asked and she shook her head. 

“No. You punch your leg. You’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks. You’re starting to limp.” She said and I shook my head. 

“That’s not true.” I protested and she crossed her arms. 

“Take off your pants.” She said and I furrowed my brow. 

“What? No.” I said and she yanked on the pajama pants, tugging them off my frame. 

I covered myself as she looked up and down my legs.

I felt ashamed as her fingers traced over the pale scars that covered my legs. 

“This looks bad.” My Rey whispered, her finger ghosting over the black and blue mark.

I clenched my eyes shut as I heard B in my ear. 

“Look at you, you’re weak!” He yelled and I shook my head. 

“Look at me!” He yelled, gripping my face and my eyes flew open.

I could see the rage in B’s eyes.

I clenched my fist, pulling it down to hit my already bruised leg and My Rey grabbed it. 

“Ben, stop.” She said, holding my arm and I pushed forward, my lips landing on hers.

 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I flew back into the door.

“You fucking monster!” The Boy, Finn yelled in my face and I flinched against the door. 

“He doesn’t know what it means. He wasn’t hurting me.” My Rey protested and I tried to wrestle out of his grip.

It was like the first time all over again. 

The Boy, Finn’s grip was tight on me, his hand wrapped around the hollow of my throat. 

“He doesn’t know what it means. Finn stop it!” She yelled and he looked back at her. 

“Bullshit he doesn’t know what it means. Last time I didn’t have proof, but now I know he’s a fucking freak.” 

“No he’s not. He doesn’t know any better!” She yelled and I struggled against his hold, trying to keep my mind from melting down at the familiar feeling of a hand pressed against my throat. 

“Yes he does. I heard what he said to Poe. Then I find him with his pants around his ankles, kissing you. I’m going to kill him.” He said, slamming me against the door again. 

“Stop it Finn. You’ll wake up Mom and Dad. Stop it.” She said, pulling at his clothes. 

I kicked my legs uselessly.

Was I blacking out?   
“Ask him! Do it!” She yelled and he clenched his teeth. 

“Are you trying to fuck my sister?” He asked aggressively and I recoiled into the door. 

“No. Never!” I choked out.

“See, let him go.”

“He could be lying.” The Boy Finn said and I wriggled out of his grasp. 

“No, no God no. I would never do that to her. Never.” I swore, gasping out a breath. 

“Come on, go!” She said, grabbing on the boy, Finn until her was pushed out the door. 

I pulled up my pants and dropped onto my butt, my head in my hands and I tried to keep from screaming. 

 

“Ben?” I looked up to see My Rey at the door.

I stood up quickly and she stepped away from me. 

“He’s not going to tell mom and dad.” She said softly and I nodded.

“Good.” I said and she shook her head.

“Not good. Do you have a crush on me?” She asked and I furrowed my eyebrows.

“I don’t understand.” I whispered.

“Do you like me?” She asked. 

“You’re my closest friend. I love you.” I said and she took another step back. I stepped forward and she put her hands out, not quite touching me.

“Maybe Finn’s right. I don’t think you should kiss me anymore.” She said and I took a step forward. 

“Rey I don’-”

“I’m serious Ben. People don’t understand… and you don’t understand what you’re doing. It’s not good, we shouldn’t kiss. We’re brother and sister. Nothing else Ben. And the sooner you get that through your head, the better off we’ll be. Got it?” She said and I took a step back before nodding. 

“You’re so right.” I said before taking a deep breath and pushing past her. 

“Ben wait…” She said and I kept going. 

I had to do it soon.

No one was on my side. 


	11. Break!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finally breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for violence

I sat beside Rey’s bed, my chin hooked on the side of the bed, the knife tucked under my knee. I was sitting with my legs crossed, staring straight ahead of her face. 

She looked so beautiful as she slept, her hair falling in her face. 

She looked troubled, her eyebrows scrunched up in determination or fear. I couldn’t tell. 

I pushed the hair out her face and leaned close enough to feel her breath fan across my face. 

“We could have been great Rey. I could have taught you so much. You were supposed to help me.” I whispered to her sleeping form.

“Please don't hate me for this.” I whispered, brushing my lips across hers softly.   
  


I stood at the door of the Senator’s and the man who sired me’s room..The room on the other side was pitch black and silent. 

The Man who sired me slept light, yet Father taught me how to walk without being heard.

I was always good at not being noticed. 

The tip of the knife bit into my finger as I turned it in my hand, drawing a bead of blood.

I sat beside the bed, watching his chest rise and fall.

His eyes fluttered open and he startled, jolting in the bed.

I put my finger to my lips, the blood smearing across my teeth before pointing the knife at the door.

“Get up. Not a fucking word.” I purred.

He reached towards the bed stand and I patted my side where the gun he was reaching for resided.

I'd already taken it.

“Come on.” I purred. 

He stood up.

“I'll do what you want Ben. Just don't hurt your mother.” He bargained.

“Don't call me that!” I hissed and he raised his hands.

“Alright. Alright.” he said and I grabbed him by the collar of his sleep warm shirt.

I forced him out into the hallway, the light of a nightlight down the hall casting a sinister glow.

“You've got me out of bed. You've got my attention.”

“You think I'm doing this for attention!” I yelled and he raised his hands.

“Calm down Ben, you'll wake your siblings.” He chided.

“My name is not Ben and those are not my siblings.” I corrected him.

“Look, I know I haven't been a great father to you, but they don't deserve this.” He said and I scoffed.

“You  _ are not  _ Father. You are the man who sired me and nothing else. My father's name is Snoke. My only brother is Armitage.” I gritted out.

“Thats not true Ben. That man got into your head. He's feeding you lines to make you into  something you are not .”

“You are wrong!” I yelled and I heard a door open behind me.

“Dad, Ben, what's goi- Ben no.” She yelled, and I stuck the knife closer to the man who sired me.

“Go back to your room. I don't want to hurt you too.” I said through gritted teeth. 

“Calm down, please sweetie.” The man who sired me calmed her and I shook my head. 

“Stay back Rey. Please.” I hissed at her before turning back towards the Man who sired me. 

“Come on.” I said, forcing him back towards the stairs. 

There was some more commotion behind me and I turned slightly, hearing The boy, Finn behind me. 

“I told you. I told you that freak was a monster Rey.” Finn said and I felt my lip curl in disdain. 

“You will do well to shut your mouth.” I said and he scoffed. 

“Really. I’d like to see you make me. I told Rey I’d never let anyone hurt her or my family.”

“Finn, don’t engage. Please step back. This is between me and Ben.” The man who sired me said softly. 

“Shut up!” I said, shoving the knife towards the man and I felt the boy, Finn try to grab me. I turned on him quickly, wrapping him in a chokehold before sending the knife down his back.

He fell to the floor and Rey screamed. 

“Oh my God. What did you do!” 

“Shut up. I didn’t want it to come to this. He rushed me.” I said roughly and I watched as she scrambled to the boy, pulling his bleeding body to her. 

“Is this what you wanted Kylo! Is this what they made you!” She yelled and I clenched my teeth. 

“Stop. I just…. I have to complete my mission. I have to. I can’t go back if I don’t.” I said and she scoffed. 

“You want to go back! Finn’s right, you are a monster!” She yelled and I stepped towards her, my fingers flexing on the knife. 

“Ben no. This is between you and me. Rey, go in your room, and pray please.” He said and she nodded through tears, dragging the bleeding boy with her. 

“Come on.” He said and I swallowed the lump in my throat. 

“Let’s go. Go!” I said, forcing the knife towards him and he raised his hands, going towards the stairs. 

“What is this mission?” He asked and I snarled at him. 

“You stop talking!” 

“I can help you. I want to help you. Just tell me how.” 

“No! I have to do this. You cannot sway me. Snoke will not allow failure!” I said and he reached out towards me. 

“Whatever he told you to do, it isn’t worth it. He is using you. Using your connection to me and your mother.” He said and I shook my head. 

“It doesn’t matter! I have no choice.”

“You have a choice.” He whispered. 

“No! I’ve never had a choice! I have to do this. He will kill me!” I said and he stepped forward. 

“Ben, please. You have a choice. A choice now. We can protect you. We can get you out of here.” He said and I swallowed.

“It’s too late. I hurt Finn, it’s too late.” I whispered and he shook his head. 

“It’s never too late.” He whispered. 

My hands shook and I could still feel the Boy Finn’s blood slipping through my fingers. 

“I’m being torn apart Dad. I want to be free, but he won’t let me. I know what he wants me to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength. I don’t know if I can be Ben again.” 

“You’ve always been Ben.”

“No! Ben is dead. He died when he put me in that van. When he made me-” I choked on a sob and The man who sired me stepped forward. 

“No! Stay back!” I said, forcing the knife towards him as I ran the bloody hand through my hair. 

I wrapped my arms around myself.

“I’ll help you. We’ll get you help. Please Ben. let me help you. WIth anything. I will help you complete your mission if that’s what you need. Just don’t hurt anyone else, don’t hurt yourself.” He said and I shook my head. 

“I have to finish this.” I said and I heard the front door open behind me. 

“Ben!” It was my uncle Chewy. 

“What are you doing here! You betrayed me!” I yelled, lunging towards my father and he side stepped me, grabbing my wrist. 

“You know you don’t want to do this. It’s not too late. Just put down the knife.” he said and I struggled against him before letting the knife clatter to the floor. 

He pulled me into a hug and I collapsed, him coming with me until we were a puddle on the floor. 

I could feel him disarming me and I cried into his shoulder. 

“I can’t do it. He’s going to kill me.I can’t… i can’t.” I whimpered and he rubbed his hand over my hair. 

“We’ll figure it out. I promise. I’ll keep you safe this time.” 

I could hear uncle Chewy on the stairs, probably going to check on Finn..

“If i’ve killed him…” I whimpered and he just hugged me tighter

“Don’t think about that” He whispered, and I could hear as sirens began to fill the air. 


	12. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end my friends

“Ben?” I looked at Rey. She was standing next to Mom and Dad. 

I’d been in psychiatric care since that night. 

I could barely remember what happened, everything was kind of blurry.

From what I’d been told, which I took with a grain of salt, because I didn’t trust what people told me anymore, I’d been dissociating for a couple of weeks, before I broke. 

I’d somehow created a ‘Kylo’ persona. Someone to protect young Ben is what they said. 

I’d been on some mission they’d told me. 

I’d hurt Finn. 

I could remember bits and pieces from that night, like the blood on my hands and screaming, so I could piece it together. 

There was evidence that I’d hurt Finn.

Which was part of the reason I was in here. 

I was considered a danger to my family. 

“Hey Rey.” I said with half of a smile. 

I hadn’t been able to see her since I’d been in. 

“How are you feeling?” She asked and I nodded, my eyes catching her hands. She was carrying a book. 

“I’m feeling a lot better. How’s Finn?” I asked and she sat on the edge of my bed. 

“He’s getting through physical therapy just fine. He should make a full recovery.” She explained and I nodded. 

“I’ve got something for you.” I said, digging beside my bed to find my journal. 

They told me that in order to fulfill my treatment, I had to fully disclose everything to my parents. I’d have to tell them all about Fa-Snoke and Armitage, and what they did to me. I didn’t have to go to the police, but I kind of wanted to. I met some people at this place, people who were also having problems. People that had been hurt too, and I was afraid, afraid that if I didn’t say something, If i kept their secret, that they would hurt another person.

I couldn’t get back those years, no matter how much I wanted to.

But I could stop him from taking them from someone else. 

 

I’d decided to put it all in my journal. I knew that it would be hard to say out loud for the first time. It was hard to stop connecting Snoke and Father. It was hard to stop looking at that place as home, which for so long it had been, not that it was a good home.

But it was home. 

Getting rid of that feeling, getting rid of the idea that I was made to do what he wanted me to do, that I had to return to him, that might have been the best thing they did here. 

I started it off with letters, letters were easy. I could write it all down, without having to say it. 

No matter how long I’d been in treatment, which had been three months and I was eighteen now, a kid in a man’s body, I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable saying what happened to me. But I’d try. 

“What’s this?” Rey asked, reading over the letter.

“I wanted to apologize… to explain why I did those awful things. Explain what happened to me.” I explained and she shook her head. 

“Ben, you don’t have to explain. We understand.” Dad whispered, sitting beside me on the bed and I bit my lip. 

“I just… I needed to get it out, but if I write it down, it’s not as scary. I’m just tired of feeling scared.” I spoke softly, my words measured and he ran his hands through my hair. 

“No matter what, you understand that I’d die for you Ben. That none of us blame you for what happened to Finn. It wasn’t your fault, cause you weren’t you.” He stated and I grabbed his hand.

“I don’t want anyone to reduce my blame. I was acting irrational, but it was still me. I wasn’t in my right mind, but I still did it, and I’ll have to face that everyday. I know what I did was wrong. I just… I don’t want anyone else to have to go through that too.” I whispered before turning the page in my journal.

“So, I want to tell you about what happened to me. I want Snoke to get into trouble for what he did to me.” I stated before clearing my throat. 

“He first contacted me on a bright august day, I was at Uncle Chewy’s house.” I began. 

 

They found Snoke and Armitage a couple of weeks later, the day I was set to be released. 

They’d caught him with another little boy, he hadn’t had the kid for too long. 

I cried for a couple of hours that day. 

It was weird, I was sad for the boy of course, but part of me was sad for Kylo. He was being replaced, and i understood why Kylo was no different than Ben, it still hurt. As if I was watching from the outside and inside.

I’d spent five years as Kylo, facing physical and sexual abuse at the hands of those two men, I’d built walls to protect myself, I made Kylo into the separate entity that he was. I’d never get rid of that. 

It made me wonder if he was really coming back for me, or if it were only in my head. 

I was operating under the assumption that I was supposed to go back with them, I was told that my parents wouldn’t want me back. 

I hoped that that boy didn’t feel the same way. 

 

I was finally released into my parents care and put into an apartment close to home. I still had dinner with the family, but I was separated a bit. I understood why, it’d take some time for Finn to trust me, who went with Poe most nights when I came over, and it’d take some time for me to look at Rey and not want to press my lips into hers, let her provide me with comfort. 

I knew why that was bad now, why I shouldn’t have let that happen, but habits were hard to break. 

I wasn’t all the way better, I still saw a therapist every week, but I was working towards it, and that was what mattered in the long run. 

Snoke took a lot from me, but I would find a way to overcome, I’d find a way to find myself again.

I’d find Ben Solo.


End file.
